But the one's who loved me told me to stop...

I have been living too fast, lately. My life has become one big impulsive decision. As if as I could care any more less that I did before; I have am apathetic toward everything and everyone. I am making wrong choices and I know it. I am giving into indulgences and addictions. After promising myself and swearing I wouldn't go back to that life I lived. I am so detached for the one's I love and it's blatantly obvious. But, do they say a word to me, or even ask if I'm okay? No.


I figure they are just as detached as I am.

Stupid Girl

Don't believe in anything that you can't break. My heart is cold. Therefore, I don't believe in it. That way it can't break. I'm just a selfish piece of shit. I don't care about anyone else. I am permisscuous. I do things on impulse. I don't think of the consequence. I let the best people down. Shoot me. Someone please, shoot me.

So C-C-C-C-C-Contraversial

I'm odd. Strange, plain and simple. I don't give into indulgences. I don't want to get shwasted and fuck everything that moves. I'd rather not speak/give my two cents. Honestly, I usually don't care enough to. I hate everyone around me. I am in a constant war with myself. Always having doubts if I do something out of my norm. I don't watch TV or movies because I don't understand how they work. I use word that no one know the meaning of. No one knows what the hell I'm ever trying to say. I'd rather stay inside than be out because I am too afraid of strangers. I don't care what people think of me, but I try my hardest to look as ordinary as possible. I refuse to believe in any higher beings. What makes them so great? My trust issues have turned into trust tragadies and have rendered any healthy relationships I've once had nonexistent. I like concrete better than grass. I hate asking people for things. I dread accepting gifts. I cannot stand materialism. I know I'm not average. Average is contraversial.

Peace Corps

Whenever I watch major sporting events, such as the Olympics or, for instance, the World Cup, as I am right now, I feel like I'm apart of something. People all over the world are watching what I am, cheering on the same teams I am. I belong. I makes the world seem so much smaller. Then this feeling manifests intome thinking about my future. How I want to help people all over the world. I want to nurture small children in Africa. Teach farmers how to grow crops in the Middle East and Asia. Teach english in Europe. Provide medical care in South America. Help the homeless in the United States. I want to do it all. I sure as hell have the ambition. I'm just worried about my integrity. I want to help those who have never felt like they belonged. Never watched the World Cup or Olympics. I can do this. But will I? Only time will tell. Let's pray time is on my side. Oh, about the World Cup, GO USA!

Remember Last Night...

When I told you I was okay? I lied. I now know the true meaning of a "blood red summer." I can't trust anyone. My art gets darker by each passing night. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I sure as hell cannot hurt you. The only person I have truely loved. Mature love. Somewhat trusted. It kills me that I can't get close to you without having a nervous break-down. When I'm not with you, I don't know what to do with myself. When I am with you, I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to reality. My fucked up life is unbearable. You make it all disappear. Yet, I lie and tell you everything is alright. It's clearly not. I still cry. I still scare myself with the pain I afflict. I still keep the monsters on my mind. They still control me. Except when I am with you. I'm not okay... I need you to know. I yern to show you my scars. I itch to tell you the real side of the story. I plea for you to accept me after you know truth.

Liberate Yourself

Sometimes, I am afraid to make mistakes. I know plenty well if I do, heaven's hammer will come down with immense force. I just want to be free. Free of responsibilities. Free of worries. Free of care. I want to be liberated. I want to rebel and not care what anyone thinks of it. Yet my conscious keeps me grounded. I go through the days without making mistakes. I do not dare miss a curfew or indulge in nefarious deeds. This kills me. I am obsessed with being free and liberated. But too chicken shit to take a risk. I need to start living for myself. Not what everyone else expects.

Consider Me Breathing...

The words of Roger Waters being "Comfortably Numb," cannot ring truer. Perhaps we are all insane. The ones sought to be off-beat and mentally ill are really the ones who know something the rest of us don't. Even if they may be eternally trapped in the abyss of themselves, they seem... happy. Not happy us so called "normal" individuals feel, but the recognizable glee we see in the face of children. Naive, innocent children. On the contrary, children are amazingly apt with the world. They know more then anyone can comprehend. To compare insanity to childhood may as well be insane. On the other hand, maybe we are all born insane, gradually growing into sane being with the more we know. The one's that are still insane from never learning the things the rest of us know are the smart ones. They help on to their youth. They know more than we can even begin to fathom. Whilst everyone works themselves into corporate oblivion, Crazies know no other world but their own childish oblivion.